Script by Simon Evans
Transcript by Ariane DeVere
These transcripts are not intended as a breach of copyright. They are provided purely for the benefit of those whose first language is not English, who have hearing difficulties, or who find it difficult to follow subtitles/closed captions.
If Simon, the Execs or the BBC feel this is not appropriate, I can be contacted here, or on Twitter @ CallieAriane (I’ve deliberately followed Simon, and Phin, and Staged on Twitter) and will, of course, take them down on request.
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Warning: There is very strong language throughout the series.
DAVID (in his kitchen): I am recording.
MICHAEL (currently offscreen): Urgh, fucking face ID. Come on.
MICHAEL (offscreen): Oh, fuck’s sake. Recognise my face, you cun... [The word is bleeped out at the end – heaven knows why!]
(David, holding his mug with his photo on it, laughs.)
SIMON (offscreen): You could just show your mug. You don’t even have to ...
DAVID: I wonder if the mug would do it! I’m gonna try that later.
SIMON (offscreen): Yeah.
(Michael appears onscreen, looking down, presumably at his phone or other recording device.)
MICHAEL (looking up): Right. I’m ... I’m going, on both.
SIMON (offscreen): Okay. All right, so we’re all ready. Sound and OBS recording.
(David holds up his hands, ready to clap them together. Michael does similarly.)
SIMON (offscreen): I’m going to mute myself in a second, so give us a call for it. This is two-one-two.
(He and Michael clap their hands together once.)
MICHAEL: ... summon the haggis.
DAVID: Yeah. (He raises his head, opens his mouth wide and lets out a loud “Ahhhhh!” while holding his hands out.) It’s quite ... it’s quite ... It’s like a yearning, like a ... almost a keening cry.
(He opens wide and lets out a loud “Ahhhhh!” Michael lets out a brief “Ahhhhh!”)
MICHAEL: That’s ... (He cries out again, longer.) That’s more like a ... (He frowns.) That’s more like a ... there’s a vib... vibrato.
DAVID (shaking his head): You’re singing it. You’re singing it. You’re ... that’s your Welsh roots. You’re kind of going all a bit Tom Jones. It’s just a bit more ... (He lets out a more anguished-sounding wail.) It’s li... it’s like, heartbreaking.
(Screwing up his face, he wails again. Michael tries to match him but it still sounds a little melodious. Initially they’re wailing/singing the same note but then they switch to different notes.)
MICHAEL: Try and harmonise.
(They continue wailing/singing, switching notes repeatedly, for a few moments. Then Michael stops and David gazes upwards and lets out a slightly different cry.)
DAVID: Maaahhh! Maaaaaahhh!
(Michael lowers his head and raises his eyebrows. David settles down.)
DAVID: You could, er ... It’s a very ... it’s a very ... It’s a peculiarly Scottish thing.
DAVID: You’ve never actually met Tim Burton, have you?
MICHAEL: I mean, I worked with him, but he wasn’t there.
DAVID: No. He didn’t ... he didn’t actually address you at any point.
MICHAEL: No. It was just a voiceover.
MICHAEL: But he was thinking it.
DAVID (sounding and looking dubious): Was he, though?
MICHAEL: Well, I’ll tell you what he wasn’t thinking: that your Pillowman never fucking left him!
(David laughs silently.)
DAVID: Had he been to The Pillowman, it would s-still be repeating on him to this day.
MICHAEL: I tell you what: he would have put his lovely little wispy-haired head down on your Pillowman and fallen asleep, like everybody else in the theatre.
(They both laugh. David mimes stroking Tim’s hair.)
DAVID: I’d ... I’ve have stroked him gently on his wispy bits.
MICHAEL (laughing, and holding up both hands with fingers spread wide): He ... he’d have got out his long Scissorhands ...
MICHAEL (giggling, reaching out with his fingers): ... and fiddled with you on the stage.
(He shakes his head.)
MICHAEL: I don’t know where this is going now.
DAVID: I’d have squeezed his Beetle ... juice, something ... I dunno.
(Michael sits back, laughing.)
DAVID: Where is Simon?
(He and Michael laugh. Michael shakes his head.)
MICHAEL: I don’t know.
SIMON (offscreen, laughing): And cut.
(The boys laugh.)
NINA (concentrating on her screen): Record. ... Minimise. (She sits back.) I’m here.
SIMON (offscreen): Great. So this is, er, episode two, take ... er, scene four, take three.
(Nina holds up her hands and claps once.)
Georgia is sitting cross-legged on the floor with her back against the front of a sofa. She has a large cushion on her lap and a laptop and a plate of cake on the cushion.
DAVID (leaning into shot): This is scene five, episode two, take one.
(He holds out his hands and claps them together once. Georgia jumps a little, then giggles.)
Same location. David leans into view.
DAVID: This is take three.
(He holds out his hands and claps them together once. Even though she saw it coming, Georgia jumps a little, then giggles.)
Same location. David claps his hands. Georgia doesn’t jump this time but still giggles.
GEORGIA (quietly): Oh, don’t.
Same location. David is now sitting on the floor next to Georgia and they’re mid-scene.
GEORGIA: How many fucking rainbows does a five ...? (She looks at David.) Five?
(David pulls a face and stands up, walking offscreen. Georgia grimaces, embarrassed.)
GEORGIA (to herself): Get the age of your children right!
David is standing in the kitchen, facing the camera, wriggling from foot to foot, presumably warming up.
MICHAEL: Send ’em out across London and back they’ll come, their little withered arms a-full of plunder.
DAVID (high-pitched): Please, Father! Please, Father, I bring you neckerchiefs and snuffboxes!
MICHAEL (high-pitched): Yes, I have no legs, but I’ve brought you some ... neckerchiefs.
DAVID (high-pitched): But I have an ... but I have an angelic besmirched face ...
MICHAEL (high-pitched): Ha-ha!
DAVID (high-pitched): ... with appealing eyes, which fools the gentry!
MICHAEL (high-pitched, giggling): Perhaps the nasty mean man will change his ways!
DAVID (high-pitched): Oh, Father, Father, can we eat tonight? I bring you a snuffbox!
MICHAEL (high-pitched): I sold my legs, Father. Can I have a little morsel?
DAVID (deeper): Well done. What limbs have you left to sell tomorrow?
MICHAEL (high-pitched): I just have little brother Tim’s ... digits.
DAVID (even deeper): Oh, good. We can sell them to ... (In his normal voice) I’ve turned into Iain Cuthbertson. (In the deeper voice) We can sell them too.
MICHAEL (grandly): Something’ll turn up tomorrow!
DAVID (in the deeper voice): Something will ... There’s always ... Yes. We can ... Tomorrow is another day, children.
MICHAEL: Oh, it’s gone a bit Scrooge McDuck!
(They crack up laughing.)
David, sitting at his kitchen table with the hood of his hoodie on his head, picks up a pair of sunglasses and puts them on. Looking into the camera, he picks up his mug with his photo on it and slowly raises it to his mouth with one hand while pointing at the photo with his other index finger. He drinks, then lowers the mug slightly, propping his chin on his free hand and looking pointedly into the camera while still showing the photo on the mug.
SIMON (offscreen): And cut. Great. That’s a nice ending, David. Lovely.
(David takes off his sunglasses. Michael comes onscreen and sits down at his kitchen table.)
MICHAEL: What’s he doing at the end? I need ... I need to know what he’s doing at all times.
(He and Simon laugh.)
David, sitting at the kitchen table with his hood up, pulls repeatedly on the strings, opening his mouth each time he pulls them.
GEORGIA: Actually, a friend of mine is pregnant. And ...
(A baby, presumably Lyra, makes a soft noise in the background.)
GEORGIA: And alone.
ANNA: What, the father’s not around?
GEORGIA: No. Can’t get away from his wife.
(The baby cries offscreen.)
GEORGIA: That’s not Michael, is it? ’Cause that ...
ANNA (laughing): No!
GEORGIA: ... that does ... It’s the same noise! It’s ...
(The girls both laugh.)
Georgia is sitting on the stairs holding the Tennantmug and her phone. David walks over.
DAVID: Yeah, episode four, scene five, take two.
(He claps his hands once and walks away. Shortly after, Georgia takes a drink from the mug, the phone to her ear.)
DAVID (offscreen): Georgia?
GEORGIA: No-no. Sorry, I hadn’t started acting.
DAVID (offscreen): Okay. You’re so natural.
GEORGIA: I know. I am so natural, so natural.
GEORGIA (into phone): Yeah, it’s all completely normal, I promise. You just need to stay calm.
DAVID (offscreen): Forgot my phone. Forgot my phone.
(He hurries down the hall.)
DAVID: Resetting, resetting, resetting.
Same scene. David walks around the banister and sits down two steps below Georgia.
DAVID: Well, I mean ... I’m on the wrong step.
GEORGIA (laughing): Sort of collapsed!
(David gets up and walks away.)
David and Georgia are sitting on a single bed. David is leaning against the wall on one side with his knees bent up in front of him; Georgia is folding laundry on the other side.
DAVID: What can I do?
(Georgia looks at him blankly.)
GEORGIA: ... I don’t ...
(She shakes her head several times, then eventually points upwards.)
GEORGIA: Loose tile on the roof.
DAVID: No, you say, ‘You can help me with this.’ (He points to the laundry basket.)
GEORGIA: Oh, fuck, yeah. Do it again.
DAVID: Keep rolling, rolling.
DAVID (scrambling off the bed): Keeping rolling.
GEORGIA: Keep rolling!
DAVID: You can use some of that stuff. That was great!
GEORGIA (smiling into the camera): It was so good!
DAVID (offscreen): Continuing take six.
GEORGIA: Oh, fuck, where was I with my laundry?!
(She starts taking folded items out of the basket and putting them back onto the bed.)
GEORGIA: Looks like real life! Okay.
(She looks at the clothes in the basket and then rapidly takes out even more items.)
DAVID (offscreen): Still rolling.
GEORGIA: Okay. (She picks up a pair of underpants and starts to fold them.) Go.
Lucy and Simon are sitting side by side on the stairs in her house.
SIMON (high-pitched, looking sadly into the distance): I tried, Sprog!
(Lucy puts a hand on his shoulder and rubs it sympathetically. Just then a timer starts to beep insistently.)
LUCY: My brownies.
MAN (offscreen): Sorry!
(Lucy and Simon start to giggle.)
David, Jo and Michael are onscreen. David has a hand raised.
NINA (as Jo): Yep, okay, yep.
DAVID: Um, um ...
(He lowers his hand and looks down, possibly at his script. He raises his hand again.)
DAVID: Um ... (he lowers his hand and moves his script.) I’ve forgotten what I say.
Same scene. David lifts the Tennantmug to drink from it but it sounds like he clonks it against something on the table as he lifts it.
NINA: Is that you on your mu... Ohh. So sorry.
DAVID: I fucked it up as well. Shall we go back a bit?
Simon and Jo are onscreen. Jo has her phone to her ear.
JO: Let’s hope she honours her debts.
(She smiles and speaks in a West Indian accent.)
JO: What up, doll?
JO (same accent): Baby love, wha’ gwan, eh?
JO (normal accent): Hello, trouble!
Michael is telling David about his dream of being onstage last night.)
MICHAEL: So I spoke ...
MICHAEL: ... and the voice that came out was different.
DAVID: Whose voice was it?
MICHAEL: No, it was my voice. It was just, you know, changed a bit, like ... like I’d inhaled helium.
MICHAEL: Yeah, and nasal.
MICHAEL (high-pitched and nasal): ‘My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!’
DAVID: Interesting. Sort of half Joe Pasquale, half Mick Jagger.
MICHAEL (high-pitched and nasal): ‘My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings ...
DAVID (high-pitched): Ooh!
MICHAEL (high-pitched and nasal): ‘Look on my works, ye mighty!’
DAVID: It’s a bit like your Kenneth Williams.
MICHAEL: Er, yeah, all right.
MICHAEL: It was like I’d inhaled helium ...
DAVID (to someone offscreen, presumably one of the kids): Darling, we’re just in the middle of shooting. Sorry.
(He and Michael laugh. David turns back to the camera.)
DAVID: Sorry. Just go back a little.
MICHAEL: Yes! (Affectionately) Aww!
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