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Ariane DeVere
January 18th, 2019 
CP - Edinburgh
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 1.5 Edinburgh

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.


(Bing-bong.)
MARTIN (over cabin address): Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Apologies to those of you who have been watching the in-flight entertainment this evening. Unfortunately a mechanical fault seems to have developed and I’m afraid we will not be able to bring you the last half hour of our feature presentation. However, as luck would have it, I happened to see this film a couple of days ago; and I’m happy to tell you that the bald guy was in the pay of the Mob all along; and that that woman from The West Wing shot Bill Paxton, but they caught her in the end. I hope that helps.
This week, Edinburgh!Collapse )
CP - I can bloody well fly
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 1.6 Fitton

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.


(Bing-bong.)
ARTHUR (in a fake posh voice over the cabin address): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, lords and ladies ... your Majesty. This is your captain speaking – Captain Wing Commander Sir Arthur Shappey – welcoming you aboard this world record-attempting flight around ... the world. Er, passengers on both sides of the aircraft should have excellent views of ... the world. If you find we’re going over a bit of the world you like the look of, er, do please ring your little bell and one of the cabin crew will fit you with a parachute and chuck you out. Otherwise, enjoy the flight and, er, when we get to Sydney, do keep an eye out for the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I’m gonna have a crack at flying underneath it.
(Knocking on the cabin door.)
CAROLYN (from outside): Hey, Wing Commander! Less yammering; more hoovering!
ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum!
(A vacuum cleaner starts up.)
This week, Fitton!Collapse )
CP - strange leaky box
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 2.1 Helsinki

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.


(Radio on.)
FITTON AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Golf Tango India, I’m gonna clear you to start after Golf Echo Echo.
DOUGLAS (into radio): Thank you, Karl. Ready to go after Golf Echo.
KARL: That’s Golf Echo Echo.
DOUGLAS: Sorry, Tower. I thought the second ‘Echo’ was an echo.
KARL: What?
DOUGLAS: I thought you said ‘Golf Echo’ ... ‘echo’ – when in fact you said, ‘Golf Echo Echo.’ That is to say, I thought the first ‘Echo’ was ‘Echo’ and the second ‘Echo’ was an echo of ‘Echo’; whereas in fact both ‘Echo’s were ‘Echo’s and neither ‘Echo’ was an echo.
KARL: Then perhaps I’d better put you right to the back of the queue while you check your radio equipment, shall I?
(Slight pause.)
DOUGLAS: ... Golf Tango India ready to follow Golf Echo Echo.
This week, Helsinki!Collapse )
CP - Gdansk
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 2.2 Gdansk

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.


(Flight deck door opens.)
MARTIN: Hello, Carolyn.
CAROLYN: Listen to this! This chamber orchestra we’re picking up – listen to what their conductor’s put under ‘Any Special Requirements’: “The first violins will not sit together; the second violins will not sit apart. The harpist will ignore you unless your aura is orange; there is nothing you can do to make your aura more orange. The tubist must on no account be given alcohol; the conductor must at all times be given alcohol. He will also require the toilet to himself for an hour before landing. And, most importantly, the bassoonist, Madame Szyszko-Bohusz, will be working under the presumption that you are trying to kill her unless proved otherwise, so avoid approaching her with blunt instruments, sharp knives or hot liquids.” Terrific! How am I supposed to serve her dinner?
DOUGLAS: Carefully.
This week, Gdansk!Collapse )
CP - no bleedin mirth whatsoever
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 2.3 Ipswich

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.

This week, Ipswich!Collapse )
CP - rabbit of negative euphoria
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 2.4 Johannesburg

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.


(Bing-bong.)
ARTHUR: Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, our onboard transit process today has now reached its ultimate termination.
CAROLYN: He means we’ve landed.
ARTHUR: Yes. So, as yourselves prepare for disemboarding, if I could kindly ask you to kindly ensure you retain all your personal items about your person throughout the duration of the disembarkation.
CAROLYN: He means take your stuff with you.
ARTHUR: In concluding, it’s been a privilege for ourselves to conduct yourselves through the in-flight experience today, and I do hope you’ll re-favour ourselves with the esteem of your forth-looking custom going forward.
CAROLYN: ... No idea.
This week, Johannesburg!Collapse )
CP - hello Arthur
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 2.5 Kuala Lumpur

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.


(Radio on.)
FITTON AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Welcome home, Golf Tango India. Vacate runway to your right and taxi to your stand.
MARTIN (flicking switches): Thank you, Karl. Oh, incidentally, be advised: as we landed we saw a large hawk or kestrel about fifty feet from the runway.
KARL: Noted, Golf Tango India. What was it doing?
DOUGLAS: Watching how it’s supposed to be done.
This week, Kuala Lumpur!Collapse )
CP - bored
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 2.6 Limerick

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.


(Bing-bong.)
DOUGLAS (over cabin address system): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’re now about halfway through our flight from Hong Kong to Limerick, and I just thought I’d let you know that I ... am ... bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored ... bored. We are, unbelievably, still flying over Russia, which continues to be stupidly big. Really enormous. Far bigger than necessary. We’ve been in the air now for about a week, and it doesn’t look like we’ll be landing until the last syllable of recorded time. So, if anyone on board knows any card tricks, ghost stories, or would like to have some sex, please do make your way to the flight deck. Thank you.
(Slight pause.)
(Bing-bong.)
MARTIN (over cabin address system): Er, ladies and gentlemen, I do – I do profoundly apologise for my first officer and his badly misjudged attempt at humour. I do hope you weren’t distressed by his outburst, and-and let me just say in his defence that up here in the flight deck it is ... unbelievably boring!
DOUGLAS: So boring.
MARTIN: So very very very very boring!
DOUGLAS and MARTIN (simultaneously): Bo-ored!
This week, Limerick!Collapse )
CP - deck the halls
Cabin Pressure Transcript: 2.7 Molokai

Script by John Finnemore
Transcript by Ariane DeVere

A link back to this page would be kind if you are cutting and pasting extracts from this transcript to post on your own blog, Tumblr etc.


DOUGLAS: Air con?
MARTIN: Off.
DOUGLAS: Anti-collision light?
MARTIN: On.
DOUGLAS: Fuel pump switches?
MARTIN: On.
DOUGLAS: Dasher?
MARTIN: On.
DOUGLAS: Dancer?
MARTIN: On.
DOUGLAS: Prancer and Vixen?
MARTIN: On. Comet?
DOUGLAS: On.
MARTIN: Cupid!
DOUGLAS: On.
MARTIN: Donner and Blitzen?
DOUGLAS: To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall.
MARTIN Dash away ...
DOUGLAS and MARTIN: ... dash away, dash away, all!
This Christmas, Molokai!Collapse )
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