As ever, my eternal thanks go to verityburns, without whose meticulous cross-checking of the transcript against the recording this would have taken much longer.
Episode written by Steve Thompson.
Transcript by Ariane DeVere aka Callie Sullivan. (Last updated 28 August 2015)
Please note: Although complete, this is and will continue to be very much a work in progress. Amendments and additions will be made continually as I spot new clever stuff in the background or realise the subtlety of the way that a particular line of dialogue was delivered, or learn something new from commentaries, interviews etc. In the meantime, if you think that I’ve made any errors or have left anything out, do let me know, either in the Comments section below or by PM.
Polite request: If you take extracts from this transcript for use elsewhere, and especially if you repost my own words, it would be kind if you would acknowledge the source and/or give a link back to this transcript. Thanks.
Sherlock, Season 2, episode 3 transcript: The Reichenbach Fall, part 1
Go straight to part 2 / Go straight to part 3 / Go straight to part 4
John Watson sits in a chair as rain pours down outside the window and thunder rumbles. He looks tired and his face is full of pain.
ELLA (offscreen): Why today?
(John frowns enquiringly. His therapist is sitting opposite him.)
JOHN: D’you want to hear me say it?
ELLA: Eighteen months since our last appointment.
JOHN (his voice becoming quietly angry): D’you read the papers?
JOHN: Mmm, and you watch telly? You know why I’m here.
(There’s a pained groan in his voice as he ends the sentence.)
JOHN: I’m here because ...
(His voice breaks and he can’t continue. He looks down, swallowing hard while he fights not to weep. Ella leans forward sympathetically.)
ELLA: What happened, John?
(John closes his eyes, trying to get control of himself, then looks up at her again, his eyes full of loss. He clears his throat and breathes heavily.)
JOHN (his voice breaking): Sher...
(He can’t continue and he clears his throat again, swallowing hard.)
ELLA (gently): You need to get it out.
JOHN (softly, his voice full of pain and tears): My best friend ... Sherlock Holmes ...
(He sniffs, forcing his voice through the anguish.)
JOHN: ... is dead.
(He breaks and begins to cry.)
THREE MONTHS EARLIER. In an art gallery, the Director of the gallery is finishing his speech as he stands near a painting.
GALLERY DIRECTOR: Falls of the Reichenbach, Turner’s masterpiece, thankfully recovered owing to the prodigious talent of Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
(The patrons applaud. Sherlock and John are standing nearby. The Director gives a small gift-wrapped box to Sherlock.)
DIRECTOR: A small token of our gratitude.
(Sherlock takes the box and looks at it.)
SHERLOCK: Diamond cufflinks. All my cuffs have buttons.
JOHN (to the Director): He means thank you.
SHERLOCK: Do I?
JOHN: Just say it.
SHERLOCK (insincerely to the Director): Thank you.
(He starts to walk away but John holds him back.)
(Sherlock unwillingly stops and the press start taking photographs. Later, one of the photographs appears in a newspaper article headed “Hero of the Reichenbach”. The straplines read “Turner masterpiece recovered by ‘amateur’ ; “Scotland Yard embarrased [sic] by overlooked clues”. The text of the article reads: “A Turner masterpiece worth £1.7million that was stolen from an auction house ten days ago has been recovered by an amateur detective from North London. Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street has been investigating the art crime simply as a hobby, and yet he was able to follow the trail that lead [sic] him to the famous work – a trail that Scotland Yard missed completely. Sherlock Holmes has gained cult following following the publication of his website – The Sci- ...” at which point the text disappears offscreen. [And, really, “Sherlock” production team, could you not take just a couple more minutes to make your newspaper articles more professional-looking, write sensible English and check the bleedin’ spelling?!]
A new newspaper article reads “Top Banker Kidnapped” and the text reads: “Sherlock Holmes was last night being hailed a hero yet again for masterminding the daring escape of the kidnapped man. // Scotland Yard had to secretly bring in their special weapon (in the form of Mr Holmes) yet again. The case has drawn a huge amount of attention as the nation became divided about the outcome of the kidnapping. Bankers are certainly not the nations [sic] sweethearts any more, but Mr. Holmes certainly seems to be. As huge crowds gathered for the press conference, Mr Holmes was presented with a gift from ...” and then the text disappears offscreen.
Outside the banker’s house, the rescued man is standing with his arms around his wife and young son and the press film and photograph them while Sherlock and John stand uncomfortably nearby.)
FATHER: Back together with my family after my terrifying ordeal; and we have one person to thank for my deliverance – Sherlock Holmes.
(As the public applaud, the boy smiles and offers a small gift-wrapped box to Sherlock. He takes it and rattles it briefly.)
SHERLOCK (to John): Tie pin. I don’t wear ties.
(A photograph of the scene appears in the next edition of the newspaper, headed “Reichenbach hero finds kidnap victim”.)
(New article: “Ricoletti evades capture”. Your transcriber is already nearing page three of this transcript and is only two and a half minutes into the episode so let’s leave out the text of the article, but it suggests that the man named in the headline was responsible for the banker’s kidnap. We cut to Scotland Yard where D.I. Greg Lestrade is addressing a press conference. Sherlock and John stand nearby, and D.S. Sally Donovan and Doctor WhoCaresWhatHisFirstNameIs Anderson are at the back of the room.)
LESTRADE: Peter Ricoletti: number one on Interpol’s Most Wanted list since 1982. But we got him; and there’s one person we have to thank for giving us the decisive leads ... with all his customary diplomacy and tact(!)
(Sherlock smiles insincerely towards Greg while John leans closer to Sherlock and speaks quietly.)
(As the press applaud, Greg walks over to Sherlock and gives him a gift-wrapped package, smiling cheerfully.)
LESTRADE: We all chipped in.
(As Sherlock tears open the wrapping paper, Sally and Anderson grin expectantly. He pulls out a deerstalker hat.)
SHERLOCK (trying to smile): Oh!
FIRST REPORTER: Put the hat on!
SECOND REPORTER: Put the hat on!
LESTRADE: Yeah, Sherlock, put it on!
(Sherlock looks at the reporters as if he’d like to kill them. John clears his throat uncomfortably.)
JOHN (quietly): Just get it over with.
(Glowering at him, Sherlock shoves the wrapping paper into his hands, then unhappily puts the hat on his head. Flashbulbs go mad and everyone applauds. At the back of the room, Sally claps with sarcastic delight while Anderson
Some time later, the “Daily Star” prints a World Exclusive on its front page: “Boffin Sherlock solves another” with the strapline: “Hero ’Tec cracks ‘unsolvable’ case”.)
221B BAKER STREET. John is sitting on the sofa reading the papers while Sherlock, wearing his blue dressing gown over his shirt and trousers, stomps across the room and throws the Daily Star onto the pile of newspapers on the coffee table.
SHERLOCK (indignantly): “Boffin.” “Boffin Sherlock Holmes.”
JOHN: Everybody gets one.
SHERLOCK: One what?
JOHN: Tabloid nickname: ‘SuBo’; ‘Nasty Nick.’ Shouldn’t worry – I’ll probably get one soon.
SHERLOCK: Page five, column six, first sentence.
(John turns to the relevant page. Sherlock goes over to the fireplace, picks up the deerstalker, holds it up and punches it angrily.)
SHERLOCK: Why is it always the hat photograph?
JOHN (looking at the newspaper article): “Bachelor John Watson”?
SHERLOCK: What sort of hat is it anyway?
JOHN: “Bachelor”? What the hell are they implying?
SHERLOCK (holding up the hat and twisting it back and forth rapidly): Is it a cap? Why has it got two fronts?
JOHN (glancing up briefly): It’s a deerstalker. (He reads more of the article.) “Frequently seen in the company of bachelor John Watson ...”
SHERLOCK: You stalk a deer with a hat? What are you gonna do – throw it?
JOHN (looking at another part of the article): “... confirmed bachelor John Watson”!
SHERLOCK: Some sort of death frisbee?
JOHN: Okay, this is too much. We need to be more careful.
SHERLOCK: It’s got flaps ... ear flaps. It’s an ear hat, John.
(He accurately skims the hat across the room to John, who doesn’t have to do more than bend his wrist to catch it.)
SHERLOCK: What do you mean, “more careful”?
JOHN: I mean this isn’t a deerstalker now; it’s a Sherlock Holmes hat. I mean that you’re not exactly a private detective any more. (He holds his thumb and forefinger an inch apart.) You’re this far from famous.
SHERLOCK: Oh, it’ll pass.
(He slumps down into his armchair and folds his hands in the prayer position in front of his mouth.)
JOHN: It’d better pass. The press will turn, Sherlock. They always turn, and they’ll turn on you.
(Sherlock lowers his hands and looks more closely at John.)
SHERLOCK: It really bothers you.
SHERLOCK: What people say.
SHERLOCK: About me? I don’t understand – why would it upset you?
(John holds his gaze for a moment, then looks away.)
JOHN: Just try to keep a low profile. Find yourself a little case this week. Stay out of the news.
TOWER OF LONDON 11:00
Tourists are walking about in the grounds, looking around, talking to the Beefeaters, taking photographs. One tourist wearing jeans, trainers, a light grey jacket and a cap with “London” printed on it and with a union flag on the peak is aiming his camera phone around and taking pictures like all the others, but this person appears to be more interested in the security staff than anything else. The other thing that piques his interest is the sign pointing the way to the Crown Jewels. He lowers his camera, chewing nonchalantly on a piece of gum, and we see that this is none other than Jim Moriarty.
At 221B, a phone in the living room trills a text alert. Sherlock is sitting at the table in the kitchen, looking into his microscope. John comes along the corridor leading from Sherlock’s bedroom [your transcriber is saying nothing, but just look at the height of her raised eyebrows ...] with wet hair, wearing a bathrobe and rubbing the back of his neck with a towel.
JOHN: It’s your phone.
SHERLOCK (disinterestedly): Mm. Keeps doing that.
(John walks into the living room, goes past the body in a suit which is hanging by its neck from the ceiling, sits down in his chair and picks up a newspaper. The body sways gently in the breeze.)
JOHN: So, did you just talk to him for a really long time?
(Sherlock looks up and glances across to the body. We realise that it’s not a real person but a mannequin.)
SHERLOCK: Oh. Henry Fishgard never committed suicide.
(He picks up an old hardback book from the table and slams it shut in a flurry of dust before going back to his microscope.)
SHERLOCK: Bow Street Runners: missed everything.
JOHN: Pressing case, is it?(!)
SHERLOCK: They’re all pressing ’til they’re solved.
At the White Tower in the Tower of London, tourists are passing through a metal detector on their way to see the Crown Jewels. A security man gives some items back to a tourist.
SECURITY MAN: Put this in your bag, please.
(Jim walks through the detector which beeps an alarm.)
SECURITY MAN: Excuse me, sir.
(Still chewing on his gum, Jim stops and steps back again.)
SECURITY MAN: Any metal objects – keys, mobile phones?
(Smiling apologetically, Jim takes his phone out of his pocket and puts it into the tray.)
SECURITY MAN: You can go through.
(Jim steps through the detector again, which stays silent this time. The security man slides the tray across and Jim takes the phone again.)
SECURITY MAN: Thank you.
(Jim walks on and enters the room. He stops at the large display case in the middle of the room and looks at the throne inside the case. On the throne is a red velvet cushion with an ornate crown resting on it. An equally ornate orb is balanced on one arm of the throne and a sceptre rests across the other arm. As other tourists walk around the case, Jim takes a pair of earphones from his pocket and pokes them into his ears. Bending his head from side to side to crack his neck, he lifts his phone and switches it on, then closes his eyes in bliss, still rolling his head on his neck and spreading his arms either side of him and then slowly beginning to lower them as the Overture to Rossini’s “The Thieving Magpie” begins to play.
In the nearby surveillance room, one of the two men watching the security footage from all around the Tower turns to his colleague.)
SURVEILLANCE MAN 1: Fancy a cuppa, then, mate?
SURVEILLANCE MAN 2: Yeah, why not?
(The first man stands up and walks away.)
BANK OF ENGLAND 11:00
A man brings a tray containing a cup and saucer and a milk jug into the office of the bank’s Director.
BANK DIRECTOR (looking at his computer screen): Gilts at seven; Dutch telecoms in freefall. Thank you, Harvey.
(Harvey puts down the tray onto the table and leaves the room again.)
PENTONVILLE PRISON 11:00
The prison’s governor, with an enormous “Keep calm and carry on” mug full of tea on his desk, slams a file down onto his desk while several warders sit or stand nearby.
PRISON GOVERNOR: What do you say: refuse them all parole and bring back the rope(!) Let’s begin.
At the Tower, Jim finishes lowering his arms and then lifts up the phone and scrolls through the app icons on it. He pushes aside the one that has a cartoon of a prisoner with striped prison clothes and standing behind bars, scrolls past the one of a piggy bank with the English flag on it, and selects the one with a crown on it. The icon of the crown unfolds like a padlock being unlocked and digital code begins to stream out into the air, and in the surveillance room alarms begin to beep in warning as some of the TV screens go blank. An automated voice plays into the White Tower.
VOICE (repeatedly): This is an emergency. Please leave the building.
(The tourists start to hurry out of the room. A security guard walks over to Jim, perhaps assuming that he can’t hear the alarm through his earphones, and puts a hand onto his shoulder to attract his attention.)
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
(Jim turns and sprays something into his face and he immediately collapses. The security door closes and locks, and Jim takes off his cap and smoothes out his hair. In the surveillance room, the man slams down the cups of tea he was bringing back, grabs a phone and starts to dial.)
At Scotland Yard, Sally Donovan hurries across the office and opens the door to Greg’s office.
DONOVAN: Sir, there’s been a break-in.
(Greg has his feet up on the desk and is drinking coffee and eating a pastry.)
LESTRADE (with his mouth full): Not our division.
DONOVAN: You’ll want it.
At the White Tower, Jim scrolls through the apps on his phone and selects the English piggy bank. The piggy bank breaks open to reveal many gold coins, and digital code streams out into the air. At the Bank of England, the Director looks down at the cup of tea he is holding as the liquid inside begins to shimmer and the building vibrates gently.
BANK DIRECTOR: The vault!
(Alarms blare and his screen flashes the alarm “VAULT OPENING”. A graphic on the screen shows the door to the vault swinging slowly open. The Director’s jaw drops and he stares in disbelief, his tea cup slowly tilting in his hand until the tea pours out into his lap.)
Greg is driving Sally over a bridge across the river with sirens blaring. Sally has just got an update on her phone.
LESTRADE: Hacked into the Tower of bloody London security?! How?!
(Sally’s phone rings and she answers it.)
LESTRADE: Tell them we’re already on our way.
DONOVAN: There’s been another one; another break-in.
(Greg stares across at her while she listens.)
DONOVAN: Bank of England!
At the White Tower, Jim is chomping on his gum while he flamboyantly scrawls a message onto the glass of the display case with a white crayon. Finishing the message – which we can’t yet clearly see – he draws a smiley face inside the letter “O.” Lifting his phone once more, he selects the app with the prisoner on it. The bars over the prisoner lift away and the striped top which the icon is wearing turns into a plain black one, then the image changes to a keyhole. Digital code streams out into the air. In Pentonville Prison, the governor is just lifting his mug to his mouth when alarms begin to sound. A prison warder bursts into the room.
PRISON WARDER: Sir, security’s down, sir. It’s failing!
(The governor surges to his feet, accidentally sweeping his mug off the table and onto the floor.)
On the road, Sally gets another phonecall. Greg looks across to her.
LESTRADE: What is it now?
DONOVAN: Pentonville Prison!
(Greg stares at her in disbelief.)
LESTRADE: Oh no!
At the White Tower, Jim holds his piece of chewing gum between his teeth and pulls the end of it out towards the case and sticks it onto the glass. Leaving the whole piece of gum stuck there, he takes a tiny diamond from a box and, grinning manically, carefully presses the jewel into the gum. Turning away from the case, he slips off his jacket and drops it to the floor, revealing a plain white V-necked T-shirt underneath, then raises his arms upwards either side above his head in an almost balletic flourish. Outside, police cars and vans begin to pour into the Tower grounds. Jim continues to dance around the White Tower while outside, the last of the tourists are hustled out of the building. Pulling black leather mitts onto his hands, Jim goes to the wall and picks up a fire extinguisher. Outside, armed police leap out of a van and run into the Tower. Inside, Jim dances dramatically towards the case, raises the fire extinguisher with the bottom end pointed towards the glass and, grinning happily, rams it towards the chewing gum and diamond. The glass shatters around the impact point. The armed police charge through the metal detector, repeatedly setting off the alarm. Jim smashes the extinguisher into the glass a couple more times and eventually the entire pane disintegrates and falls to the floor.
Greg’s car screams into the grounds and he and Sally jump out and race into the White Tower. Inside, the armed police disable the lock to the door and it swings open. They charge inside and are greeted by the sight of Jim Moriarty sitting on the throne inside the case, wearing an ermine trimmed robe, the crown on his head, the orb between his knees and holding the sceptre across his lap, with his earphones still in. He has his eyes closed in bliss as the music comes to an end. He opens his eyes and smiles at the new arrivals.
JIM (calmly): No rush.
221B. Sherlock’s phone trills another text alert. John lowers his newspaper.
JOHN (tetchily): I’ll get it, shall I?
(He stands up and walks over to the phone, picking it up and checking the message while Sherlock continues to look into his microscope. John’s face slowly fills with shock. He turns and takes the phone into the kitchen, holding it out to Sherlock.)
SHERLOCK (not looking up): Not now, I’m busy.
JOHN: Sherlock ...
SHERLOCK: Not now.
JOHN (breathing heavily): He’s back.
(Sherlock lifts his head and takes the phone. The message on the screen reads:
Come and play.
Jim Moriarty x.
Sherlock’s eyes widen and he sinks back on his chair and gazes into space.)
Back at the Tower, Jim is smiling calmly as he is being put into the back of a police car. Behind him, Greg and Sally come out of the building and watch, then Greg looks down at Jim’s phone which he is holding.
Later, Sherlock and John have arrived at the Tower and they are watching the recorded security footage taken from behind Jim as he sticks the gum onto the glass. From a distance it’s not clear what he then pushes into the gum.
LESTRADE: That glass is tougher than anything.
SHERLOCK: Not tougher than crystallised carbon. He used a diamond.
(Greg adjusts the footage, which shifts to a recording taken from the other side of the glass. The footage also goes into reverse, showing the glass rising back up into place before it shattered. As Jim pulls back the fire extinguisher again and the glass becomes whole, the message which he scrawled onto it becomes clear. He deliberately wrote the words backwards on the glass so that they would be seen from the camera on the other side of the case. With the smiley face inside the “O,” the message reads:
John turns and stares at Sherlock but his eyes are fixed on the screen.)
Nina Simone’s song “Sinnerman” plays over the next few scenes.
The “Daily Express” has somehow obtained the security image with the message clear on the glass, and has run it on its front page with the headline: “Crime of the Century?” The rest of the text reads: “Questions are being asked in parliament as to how the Tower of London, Pentonville Prison and the Bank of England were all broken into at the same time by the same man – James Moriarty. // There are unconfirmed reports that Scotland Yard’s favourite sleuth Mr Sherlock Holmes has been called in to help the team piece together the most audacious crime ... Turn to page 5”.
Some indeterminate time later a new front page headline [from the “Daily Mail”, I think] reads: “Jewel Thief on trial at Bailey” and the first few paragraphs read: “Crown Jewel thief is to be tried at the Old Bailey and Sherlock Holmes is named as a witness for the prosecution. // Master criminal Moriarty taunted Holmes with his graffitied GET SHERLOCK at the scene of the crime. The crime is attracting huge attention internationally too. // Irish born Moriarty – of no fixed abode, seems to be taunting the master detective. // Boffin Holmes, accompanied by confirmed bachelor John Watson – refused to comment. // Crowds gathered yesterday for what is being described as the trial of the century.” [After that the text keeps repeating. Do the production team not know that we have the ability to freeze frame and read these articles
“The Guardian” leads with the headline “Amateur detective to be called as expert witness” and the strapline “Scotland Yard calls upon ‘nation’s favourite detective’ in Moriarty trail” [which your transcriber assumes should read ‘trial’ ...]. The picture is of Sherlock putting on the deerstalker hat at the Scotland Yard press conference and the text reads: “In a twist worthy of a Conan Doyle novella, Mr Sherlock Holmes was yesterday revealed to be an expert witness at the trial of ‘Jim’ Moriarty. Described by many commentators as the trial of the century, the case has all the ingredients of a block buster film. The royal family, Scotland yard [sic], the world of finance and greed, the ‘underclass’ of prisoners out to reek [sic] revenge as they enjoy their own fifteen minutes of freedom. The case is riddled with irony and intrigue but perhaps reflects a deeper malaise that seems to be at the heart of a society. // Mr Holmes, a man of few words, declined to comment when asked his involvement in the case. It is understood that a woefully depleted Scotland ...” [and then the text goes off the screen].
221B. John is standing in front of the mirror in the living room. He is wearing a suit and finishes tying his tie before putting on his jacket. Near the sofa, Sherlock is buttoning up his own jacket while watching John’s reflection. Your transcriber bites her lip while her imagination goes to its happy place. Sherlock leads the way downstairs and goes to the front door, then stops and turns to the side to allow John to pass him and reach out towards the door.
(Bracing himself, John opens the door. Police officers are trying to hold back the large crowd of journalists who immediately start photographing the pair and calling out questions as the police clear the way and allow the boys through to the waiting police car. John points Sherlock towards the nearest rear door of the car.)
JOHN: Get in.
(As Sherlock does as instructed, John goes round the back and gets in the other side and the car pulls away and races off with its sirens wailing.)
(At the Old Bailey, Jim is in a cell wearing a smart light grey suit, white shirt and pale grey tie and silver tie pin with matching grey handkerchief in the breast pocket. A prison guard is checking the handcuffs which shackle him to two nearby officers. Not long afterwards and surrounded by prison officers, he is being escorted along the corridors towards the court. As he walks along, a small smile begins to creep onto his face.)
(The police car is just going around Trafalgar Square.)
JOHN: Remember ...
SHERLOCK (instantly): Yes.
JOHN (insistently): Remember ...
SHERLOCK (even more quickly): Yes.
(John looks away in frustration, then goes for broke and speaks quickly.)
JOHN: Remember what they told you: don’t try to be clever ...
SHERLOCK (talking over him): No.
JOHN: ... and please, just keep it simple and brief.
SHERLOCK: God forbid the star witness at the trial should come across as intelligent.
JOHN: ‘Intelligent,’ fine; let’s give ‘smart-arse’ a wide berth.
(There’s a slight pause.)
SHERLOCK: I’ll just be myself.
JOHN (irritated): Are you listening to me?!
(At the Old Bailey Jim is marched up the stairs into the courtroom, two prison officers holding him by the shoulders. Outside, TV reporters are talking into various cameras as they record pieces for the news programmes.)
ITN REPORTER: ... here today standing outside ...
SKY NEWS REPORTER: ... This is the trial of the century ...
BBC NEWS REPORTER: ... the trial of James Moriarty ...
(We see brief clips of their broadcasts as seen on television.)
SKY NEWS REPORTER: ... James Moriarty, earlier today accused of attempt...
ITN REPORTER: ... of attempting to steal the Crown Jewels ...
BBC NEWS REPORTER: ... at the Old Bailey we have Reichenbach Hero Sherlock Holmes ...
(Jim and his prison escort reach the top of the stairs and he is turned sideways and walked into the dock. As a female prison officer comes across to check his restraints, he turns his head and murmurs into her ear.)
JIM: Would you mind slipping your hand into my pocket?
(The officer looks at one of her male colleagues, who nods in agreement. Looking rather uncomfortable, she slides her fingers into Jim’s trouser pocket and pulls out the contents while Jim breathes very close to her face and gazes into her eyes before poking out his tongue. She puts what she has found in his pocket – a piece of chewing gum – onto his tongue and he draws his tongue back in and begins to chew, smiling at her creepily.)
Sherlock is in the toilets at the Old Bailey washing his hands.
TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT: Crown versus Moriarty – please proceed to Court Ten.
(As he turns off the taps, a woman standing behind him and wearing a deerstalker hat stares at him in awestruck amazement. Her bag slips out of her fingers and drops to the floor.)
KITTY: You’re him.
(Sherlock sees that she’s also wearing an “I (heart) Sherlock” badge on her jacket.)
SHERLOCK: Wrong toilet.
KITTY: I’m a big fan.
SHERLOCK (turning towards her): Evidently.
KITTY: I read your cases; follow them all. (She steps closer, gazing at him adoringly.) Sign my shirt, would you?
(She peels back her jacket to reveal that her blouse is opened quite low and she is showing a lot of cleavage. She offers him a pen which she already has in her hand.)
SHERLOCK: There are two types of fans.
SHERLOCK: “Catch me before I kill again” – Type A ...
KITTY: Uh-huh. What’s Type B?
SHERLOCK: “Your bedroom’s just a taxi ride away.”
(Kitty grins, her eyes still locked on his.)
KITTY: Guess which one I am.
(Sherlock runs his eyes down her body [and other fans vow to kill her at the first possible chance] and does a speed deduction:
KITTY (blinking a little nervously): Really?
SHERLOCK: No. You’re not a fan at all.
(He looks at the indentations in her skin just below her right wrist.)
SHERLOCK: Those marks on your forearm: edge of a desk. You’ve been typing in a hurry, probably. Pressure on; facing a deadline.
KITTY (looking away): That all?
SHERLOCK: And there’s a smudge of ink on your wrist; and a bulge in your left jacket pocket.
(He and Kitty look down to her pocket from which is protruding the edge of a dictaphone, which has a red light shining on it showing that it’s recording.)
KITTY: Bit of a giveaway.
SHERLOCK: The smudge is deliberate, to see if I’m as good as they say I am.
(He lifts her hand and sniffs the ink on her wrist.)
SHERLOCK: Hmm. Oil-based, used in newspaper print, but drawn on with an index finger; your finger.
SHERLOCK: Journalist. Unlikely you’d get your hands dirty at the press. You put that there to test me.
KITTY: Wow, I’m liking you!
SHERLOCK: You mean I’d make a great feature: “Sherlock Holmes – the man beneath the hat.”
KITTY: Kitty ... (she takes off the hat) ... Riley. Pleased to meet you.
(She offers her hand for him to shake.)
SHERLOCK: No. I’m just saving you the trouble of asking. No, I won’t give you an interview; no, I don’t want the money.
(Pushing past her, he heads for the door. She chases after him.)
KITTY: You and John Watson – just platonic? Can I put you down for a “no” there, as well?
(She stops him from opening the door and gets in his way, stepping well into his personal space. He breathes loudly and angrily.)
KITTY: There’s all sorts of gossip in the press about you. Sooner or later you’re gonna need someone on your side ...
(Reaching into her pocket, she holds up her business card and then tucks it into his breast pocket.)
KITTY: ... someone to set the record straight.
SHERLOCK (smiling sarcastically): And you think you’re the girl for that job, do you?
KITTY: I’m smart, and you can trust me, totally.
SHERLOCK: Smart, okay: investigative journalist. Good. Well, look at me and tell me what you see.
(She stares at him blankly, perhaps a little overwhelmed by the way he is swaying gently in front of her.)
SHERLOCK: If you’re that skilful, you don’t need an interview. You can just read what you need.
(She looks awkward and can’t continue to meet his eyes.)
SHERLOCK: No? Okay, my turn.
(He paces around her and looks her over.)
SHERLOCK (quick fire): I look at you and I see someone who’s still waiting for their first big scoop so that their editor will notice them. You’re wearing an expensive skirt but it’s been re-hemmed twice; only posh skirt you’ve got. And your nails: you can’t afford to do them that often. I see someone who’s hungry. I don’t see smart, and I definitely don’t see trustworthy, but I’ll give you a quote if you like – three little words.
(He reaches down and takes the dictaphone from her pocket, holding it up to his mouth as she steps closer hopefully.)
SHERLOCK (slowly, deliberately): You ... repel ... me.
(He turns and leaves the room.)
OLD BAILEY, COURT TEN. Sherlock has been called to give his evidence and is standing in the witness box. Jim is in the dock opposite him, nonchalantly chewing on his gum. John is sitting in the public gallery upstairs.
PROSECUTING BARRISTER: A “consulting criminal.”
PROSECUTING BARRISTER: Your words. Can you expand on that answer?
SHERLOCK: James Moriarty is for hire.
PROSECUTING BARRISTER: A tradesman?
PROSECUTING BARRISTER: But not the sort who’d fix your heating.
SHERLOCK: No, the sort who’d plant a bomb or stage an assassination, but I’m sure he’d make a pretty decent job of your boiler.
(There’s muffled laughter from some people in the court, and the prosecuting barrister tries to hide her smile.)
PROSECUTING BARRISTER: Would you describe him as ...
SHERLOCK (interrupting): Leading.
PROSECUTING BARRISTER: What?
SHERLOCK: Can’t do that. You’re leading the witness. (He looks towards the defending barrister.) He’ll object and the judge will uphold.
(The judge looks exasperated – apparently this isn’t the first time Sherlock has done this during his evidence.)
JUDGE: Mr Holmes.
SHERLOCK (to the prosecuting barrister): Ask me how. How would I describe him? What opinion have I formed of him? Do they not teach you this?
JUDGE: Mr Holmes, we’re fine without your help.
(Kitty comes into the public gallery. John looks round at her as she finds a seat.)
PROSECUTING BARRISTER: How would you describe this man – his character?
SHERLOCK: First mistake. (He raises his eyes and locks his gaze onto Jim.) James Moriarty isn’t a man at all – he’s a spider; a spider at the centre of a web – a criminal web with a thousand threads and he knows precisely how each and every single one of them dances.
(Jim almost imperceptibly nods his head as if approving of the description. The prosecuting barrister clears her throat awkwardly.)
PROSECUTING BARRISTER: And how long ...
SHERLOCK (closing his eyes in exasperation): No, no, don’t-don’t do that. That’s really not a good question.
JUDGE (angrily): Mr Holmes.
SHERLOCK: How long have I known him? Not really your best line of enquiry. We met twice, five minutes in total. I pulled a gun; he tried to blow me up. (Sarcastically) I felt we had a special something.
(Jim raises his eyebrows in an “ooh!” expression.)
JUDGE: Miss Sorrel, are you seriously claiming this man is an expert, after knowing the accused for just five minutes?
SHERLOCK: Two minutes would have made me an expert. Five was ample.
JUDGE: Mr Holmes, that’s a matter for the jury.
SHERLOCK: Oh, really?
(His eyes turn towards the jury box. John raises his hand to his head in an all-too-recognisable “oh, shit, NO!” gesture. Sherlock turns the full force of his gaze onto the twelve people sitting in the jury box and has deduced all of them within a couple of seconds.)
SHERLOCK: One librarian; two teachers; two high-pressured jobs, probably the City.
(He focuses on the woman at the far left of the front row. She has a notebook resting on the ledge in front of her and is writing in shorthand.)
SHERLOCK: The foreman’s a medical secretary, trained abroad judging by her shorthand.
JUDGE: Mr Holmes!
SHERLOCK (scanning rings on the jury members’ fingers): Seven are married and two are having an affair – with each other, it would seem! Oh, and they’ve just had tea and biscuits.
(He turns to the judge.)
SHERLOCK: Would you like to know who ate the wafer?
JUDGE (angrily): Mr Holmes. You’ve been called here to answer Miss Sorrel’s questions, not to give us a display of your intellectual prowess.
(Sherlock takes a breath but can’t help looking up towards John and smiling a little at the acknowledgement of his ‘intellectual prowess.’ John stares at him sternly.)
JUDGE: Keep your answers brief and to the point. Anything else will be treated as contempt.
(Sherlock raises his eyes in a ‘We’re surrounded by idiots’ type way. Jim smiles slightly as if agreeing.)
JUDGE: Do you think you could survive for just a few minutes without showing off?
(Sherlock pauses while he gives the question some thought, then opens his mouth and draws in a breath.)
Shortly afterwards, a prison officer marches Sherlock into one of the cells under the courts and shoves him inside, slamming the door shut behind him. A recess has apparently been called in the trial and so a little later two more officers walk Jim to the adjoining cell and lock him inside. As if sensing each other, the two men turn and look at the wall separating them. Jim’s expression slowly becomes murderous.
Some time later Sherlock is being released. While he signs for his personal property, John is standing beside him leaning back against the desk with his arms folded.
JOHN: What did I say? I said, “Don’t get clever.”
SHERLOCK: I can’t just turn it on and off like a tap.
(Taking the bag of items from the custody officer, he turns to John as they begin to walk away.)
JOHN: Well what?
SHERLOCK: You were there for the whole thing, up in the gallery, start to finish.
JOHN: Like you said it would be. (Referring to Jim’s defending barrister) He sat on his backside, never even stirred.
SHERLOCK: Moriarty’s not mounting any defence.
221B. The boys walk into the living room.
JOHN: Bank of England, Tower of London, Pentonville. Three of the most secure places in the country and six weeks ago Moriarty breaks in, no-one knows how or why.
(He sits down in his armchair while Sherlock begins to pace.)
JOHN: All we know is ...
SHERLOCK: ... he ended up in custody.
(He stops and turns to John. John takes a breath.)
JOHN: Don’t do that.
SHERLOCK: Do what?
JOHN: The look.
JOHN: You’re doing the look again.
SHERLOCK: Well, I can’t see it, can I?
(John points to the mirror above the fireplace as if Sherlock’s an idiot for not realising it’s there. Sherlock turns his head and looks at his reflection.)
SHERLOCK: It’s my face.
JOHN: Yes, and it’s doing a thing. You’re doing a “we both know what’s really going on here” face.
SHERLOCK: Well, we do.
JOHN: No. I don’t, which is why I find The Face so annoying.
SHERLOCK: If Moriarty wanted the Jewels, he’d have them. If he wanted those prisoners free, they’d be out on the streets. The only reason he’s still in a prison cell right now is because he chose to be there.
(He starts to pace again.)
SHERLOCK: Somehow this is part of his scheme.
NEXT DAY (presumably, because there can’t be that many more witnesses for the prosecution). OLD BAILEY.
JUDGE: Mr Crayhill, can we have your first witness?
(The defending barrister rises to his feet.)
DEFENDING BARRISTER: Your Honour, we’re not calling any witnesses.
(There are cries of surprise around the court, and John – sitting in the public gallery – frowns in confusion.)
JUDGE: I don’t follow. You’ve entered a plea of Not Guilty.
DEFENDING BARRISTER: Nevertheless, my client is offering no evidence. The defence rests.
(He sits down. Jim purses his lips ruefully at the judge, then turns, looks up towards the public gallery and shrugs.)
THE FOLLOWING DAY (probably). Sherlock – who, like on the previous day, either chose to stay at home or more likely has been banned from the court – sits sideways on the sofa with his back against the arm nearest the window. Wearing his blue dressing gown over his clothes, he softly recites the only words that the judge can possibly say in his summing-up speech. His recitation is interspersed with the actual words from the judge, and frequently their lines overlap.
SHERLOCK/JUDGE: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. James Moriarty stands accused of several counts of attempted burglary, crimes which – if he’s found guilty – will elicit a very long custodial sentence; and yet his legal team has chosen to offer no evidence whatsoever to support their plea. I find myself in the unusual position of recommending a verdict wholeheartedly. You must find him guilty.
(Sherlock closes his eyes.)
SHERLOCK (in a whisper): Guilty.
JUDGE: You must find him guilty.
(The court adjourns at 10:42. At 10:50 John is sitting on a bench just outside the courtroom when the Clerk of the Court hurries out of a side room.)
CLERK: They’re coming back.
(John looks at his watch.)
JOHN: That’s six minutes.
([Yes, he does say six minutes and the two times above are correct. Either John took into account how long it took the jury to leave the court and go to their allocated room, or the production team needs another slap.])
CLERK: Surprised it took them that long, to be honest. There’s a queue for the loo.
(He hurries into the court. John stands up, takes a moment to brace himself and then follows. A few minutes later the Clerk rises to his feet in the courtroom and turns to face the jury.)
CLERK: Have you reached a verdict on which you all agree?
(One of the jury members lowers his head and shakes it in tiny despairing motions as the foreman gets to her feet and stares unhappily at the Clerk.)
On to Part 2