I have been reliably informed that some people whose first language is not English have either struggled to enjoy these hilarious videos or haven’t watched them at all, knowing that they would struggle to enjoy them. I have therefore done transcripts of each one in the hope that this will help. I have only transcribed the spoken words and not what is happening visually. If you haven’t seen these videos yet because of the above reasons, can I suggest that you watch them first and then rewatch with the transcripts.
And trust me, don’t try to read these if you haven’t seen the videos, or your head will explode.
There are a few bits I may have got wrong, so I’m happy to take suggestions of corrections!
I hope a few people find these useful! After all, I didn’t have anything better to do on my birthday ...
Transcripts by Ariane DeVere aka Callie Sullivan.
Sherlock parodies – “Oklahomo” and “Mind Phallus”
Oklahomo (Video here)
SHERLOCK: Damn you, autocorrect.
SHERLOCK: Watson, do you believe in curtains?
SHERLOCK: If I was to dance like a miniature cat, would you kill me, or give me a sandwich made of Sweden?
JOHN: What are you doing?
SHERLOCK: It’s a client. I’m touching her face to see if she’s credible. Let’s blog about this. ... Yeah. ... Oi! Sorry. ... That, erm ... I can’t get it away. ... It’s stuck.
JOHN: Er, I think you need to reboot.
SHERLOCK: Rebooting is for cheesecakes. Can you touch her face for a while? I need to clear my head – this head.
JOHN: Sherlock? Can I speak?
SHERLOCK: Speak like the woman you’re touching.
JOHN (higher-pitched): There’s been a murder.
SHERLOCK: Murder, she wrote ... and published it in a local magazine. It later became a novel, then a film, then a TV series, but the series got bad reviews. Why is that, Watson?
JOHN: I don’t know.
SHERLOCK: Knowing is what to look for, and when to jump. ... Good girl.
(He starts singing the “Pursuit” theme from “Sherlock” using the words ‘Doo-doot, do doo-doo-doo ...’. John joins in.)
SHERLOCK: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. You’re doing it wrong. Do it like I do.
JOHN: Like you do?
SHERLOCK: Like you do but like I do.
JOHN (singing): Like you doo, do doo-doo-doo ...
(Sherlock joins in.)
SHERLOCK: Ah. Murder by death. Always peculiar. ... Dammit.
JOHN: D’you see anything interesting?
SHERLOCK: Good question, tiny man. You’re extremely short and well-mannered. The length of your body makes me feel sad in a way I don’t quite want to understand.
JOHN: Thank you.
SHERLOCK: Small shoes, indicating small feet. Wrinkle on the eye proves he’s been eating soup for decades. Dust on the nose, blue shirt with a hint of tie, thick fingers that suggest he’s never touched a synthesizer. Hair that remind me of Christmas.
JOHN: So what do you think?
SHERLOCK: Your interruption makes me happy.
JOHN: What are we looking at here?
SHERLOCK: Well, it’s obvious.
SHERLOCK: He’s gay. We’re looking at a ham-rider.
SHERLOCK: Case closed. Let’s go home and watch Dr Phil or, as I like to call him, Dr Fiddle.
LESTRADE (I’m assuming that’s meant to be Lestrade!): ’Scuse me. You have solved the case?
SHERLOCK: Solving cases is for babies. I conclude if people are gay or not. That’s how I roll. Do you concur?
SHERLOCK: Then you are bad quickly. Goodbye, melon-head.
SHERLOCK: You’re gay as well. And you. ... Dammit.
SHERLOCK: Stop. Let’s do a jump and kiss.
Mind Phallus (Video here)
ELLA: You’re depressed.
JOHN: I know.
ELLA: Why is that?
JOHN: My best friend, Sh... ... is dead.
SHERLOCK: Watson! What is the future of tables?
JOHN: You’re here!
SHERLOCK: If you were to push a button made of glue, would that make you dizzy or would you copy-paste apples for a living? Shush. There’s been a bomb – or as your psycholologist would say it ... (incoherent noises)
JOHN: Sherlock ...
SHERLOCK: Ah, never mind.
JOHN: Where do we go?
SHERLOCK: Hmm. Let me think ... We need to take a taxi. ... Flesh wounds – the ultimate attention-seeker.
SHERLOCK: Get our twined arses to the museum, and step on yourself.
JOHN: You’re alive.
SHERLOCK: Blah-blah-blah. Hit me with your loveliest hand and get over it.
SHERLOCK: Ah. An unsolved crime scene is like a squirrel without parenting skills.
JOHN: What are we looking at here?
SHERLOCK: Vaginal countdown.
SHERLOCK: Seems to me like a sex bomb.
JOHN: But that’s ridiculous!
SHERLOCK: Not if you’re a fool.
JOHN: How do we defuse it?
SHERLOCK: I don’t know. I need to enter my Mind Phallus.
SHERLOCK: I’m looking at the back of your head but I’m speaking to the front of your face.
MYCROFT: The front of my face is listening to the back of my head, so your head doesn’t count.
SHERLOCK: How... my... damn.
MYCROFT: I like shoes, and medicine.
JOHN: Sherlock Holmes.
SHERLOCK: Continuity, my dear Watson.
JOHN: Oh, sorry.
SHERLOCK: How does your beaver tick, hamster-face?
IRENE: It’s not unusual to be loved.
SHERLOCK: ... by anyone.
JOHN: Can you solve it?
SHERLOCK: I think so. I need to give her facial happiness.
SHERLOCK: Like this. ... Case closed. Let’s go home and watch Ellen Degeneres or, as I like to call her, Ellen (incoherent noises). ... Insert gay joke here. ... Dammit.
JOHN: Jump and kiss?
SHERLOCK: You read my body.
JIM: Hello. Did you fist me?
london_fan has made some wonderful icons using quotes from these videos. The icons are here (scroll down to #013 to #024).
Transcripts of the real “Sherlock” episodes, together with DVD commentaries and Extras, here!