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Ariane DeVere
Sherlock parodies – Transcripts of “Oklahomo” and “Mind Phallus” 
5th-Apr-2014 02:02 pm
Sherlock parody - squirrel parenting ski
Sherlock parodies – Transcripts of “Oklahomo” and “Mind Phallus”

I have been reliably informed that some people whose first language is not English have either struggled to enjoy these hilarious videos or haven’t watched them at all, knowing that they would struggle to enjoy them. I have therefore done transcripts of each one in the hope that this will help. I have only transcribed the spoken words and not what is happening visually. If you haven’t seen these videos yet because of the above reasons, can I suggest that you watch them first and then rewatch with the transcripts.

And trust me, don’t try to read these if you haven’t seen the videos, or your head will explode.

There are a few bits I may have got wrong, so I’m happy to take suggestions of corrections!

I hope a few people find these useful! After all, I didn’t have anything better to do on my birthday ...

Transcripts by Ariane DeVere aka Callie Sullivan.

Sherlock parodies – “Oklahomo” and “Mind Phallus”

Oklahomo (Video here)

SHERLOCK: Damn you, autocorrect.
JOHN: Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: Watson, do you believe in curtains?
JOHN: What?
SHERLOCK: If I was to dance like a miniature cat, would you kill me, or give me a sandwich made of Sweden?
JOHN: What are you doing?
SHERLOCK: It’s a client. I’m touching her face to see if she’s credible. Let’s blog about this. ... Yeah. ... Oi! Sorry. ... That, erm ... I can’t get it away. ... It’s stuck.
JOHN: Er, I think you need to reboot.
SHERLOCK: Rebooting is for cheesecakes. Can you touch her face for a while? I need to clear my head – this head.
JOHN: Sherlock? Can I speak?
SHERLOCK: Speak like the woman you’re touching.
JOHN (higher-pitched): There’s been a murder.
SHERLOCK: Murder, she wrote ... and published it in a local magazine. It later became a novel, then a film, then a TV series, but the series got bad reviews. Why is that, Watson?
JOHN: I don’t know.
SHERLOCK: Knowing is what to look for, and when to jump. ... Good girl.
(He starts singing the “Pursuit” theme from “Sherlock” using the words ‘Doo-doot, do doo-doo-doo ...’. John joins in.)


SHERLOCK: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. You’re doing it wrong. Do it like I do.
JOHN: Like you do?
SHERLOCK: Like you do but like I do.
JOHN (singing): Like you doo, do doo-doo-doo ...
(Sherlock joins in.)


SHERLOCK: Ah. Murder by death. Always peculiar. ... Dammit.
JOHN: D’you see anything interesting?
SHERLOCK: Good question, tiny man. You’re extremely short and well-mannered. The length of your body makes me feel sad in a way I don’t quite want to understand.
JOHN: Thank you.
SHERLOCK: Small shoes, indicating small feet. Wrinkle on the eye proves he’s been eating soup for decades. Dust on the nose, blue shirt with a hint of tie, thick fingers that suggest he’s never touched a synthesizer. Hair that remind me of Christmas.
JOHN: So what do you think?
SHERLOCK: Your interruption makes me happy.
JOHN: What are we looking at here?
SHERLOCK: Well, it’s obvious.
JOHN: What?
SHERLOCK: He’s gay. We’re looking at a ham-rider.
SHERLOCK: Case closed. Let’s go home and watch Dr Phil or, as I like to call him, Dr Fiddle.
LESTRADE (I’m assuming that’s meant to be Lestrade!): ’Scuse me. You have solved the case?
SHERLOCK: Solving cases is for babies. I conclude if people are gay or not. That’s how I roll. Do you concur?
SHERLOCK: Then you are bad quickly. Goodbye, melon-head.
JOHN: Sorry.
SHERLOCK: You’re gay as well. And you. ... Dammit.


SHERLOCK: Stop. Let’s do a jump and kiss.

Mind Phallus (Video here)

ELLA: You’re depressed.
JOHN: I know.
ELLA: Why is that?
JOHN: My best friend, Sh... ... is dead.
SHERLOCK: Watson! What is the future of tables?
JOHN: You’re here!
SHERLOCK: If you were to push a button made of glue, would that make you dizzy or would you copy-paste apples for a living? Shush. There’s been a bomb – or as your psycholologist would say it ... (incoherent noises)
JOHN: Sherlock ...
SHERLOCK: Ah, never mind.


JOHN: Where do we go?
SHERLOCK: Hmm. Let me think ... We need to take a taxi. ... Flesh wounds – the ultimate attention-seeker.


SHERLOCK: Get our twined arses to the museum, and step on yourself.
JOHN: You’re alive.
SHERLOCK: Blah-blah-blah. Hit me with your loveliest hand and get over it.


SHERLOCK: Ah. An unsolved crime scene is like a squirrel without parenting skills.
JOHN: What are we looking at here?
SHERLOCK: Vaginal countdown.
JOHN: What?!
SHERLOCK: Seems to me like a sex bomb.
JOHN: But that’s ridiculous!
SHERLOCK: Not if you’re a fool.
JOHN: How do we defuse it?
SHERLOCK: I don’t know. I need to enter my Mind Phallus.


SHERLOCK: I’m looking at the back of your head but I’m speaking to the front of your face.
MYCROFT: The front of my face is listening to the back of my head, so your head doesn’t count.
SHERLOCK: How... my... damn.
MYCROFT: I like shoes, and medicine.
JOHN: Sherlock Holmes.
SHERLOCK: Continuity, my dear Watson.
JOHN: Oh, sorry.
SHERLOCK: How does your beaver tick, hamster-face?
IRENE: It’s not unusual to be loved.
SHERLOCK: ... by anyone.


JOHN: Can you solve it?
SHERLOCK: I think so. I need to give her facial happiness.
JOHN: How?
SHERLOCK: Like this. ... Case closed. Let’s go home and watch Ellen Degeneres or, as I like to call her, Ellen (incoherent noises). ... Insert gay joke here. ... Dammit.


JOHN: Jump and kiss?
SHERLOCK: You read my body.
JIM: Hello. Did you fist me?

london_fan has made some wonderful icons using quotes from these videos. The icons are here (scroll down to #013 to #024).

Transcripts of the real “Sherlock” episodes, together with DVD commentaries and Extras, here!

5th-Apr-2014 02:04 pm (UTC)
There were a few words I hadn't understood, thank you very much! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
5th-Apr-2014 02:35 pm (UTC)
I had no idea those parodies existed & they are hysterical (&, but of course, you are correct, w'out first seeing the videos, the transcripts would be somewhat obscure [albeit, AFTER seeing them, quite helpful w' whom we were seeing, i.e, Mycroft & Lestrade])

So, so many funny lines, w' John's squeaking out his speech at Sherlock's direction near the top of the list, but being a total pervert, my favorite was Moriarty's appearance at the very end: Hello. Did you fist me?

Altho, the autocorrects were the best.

Happy, happy!! -- enjoy your special day & be sure to include lots & lots of alcohol & illegal drugs... (I kid. You need not drink.)

Here be music with which to celebrate:

6th-Apr-2014 11:54 am (UTC)
Um, thanks. I'll avoid the illegal drugs, thanks all the same.
5th-Apr-2014 02:46 pm (UTC)
Hehehe, thank you for this!

Why didn't LJ inform me that it is (or was?) your birthday? I feel deeply betrayed by it. Happy birthday! *sends hugs and cookies*
5th-Apr-2014 03:44 pm (UTC)
Still is, at the moment! Thank you - both the hugs and the cookies are much appreciated!
5th-Apr-2014 07:16 pm (UTC)
First of all, a belated happy birthday!

And . . . you're such a star to do this! I got that most of it was gobbledegook "Sherlock" fast speak, and made out some, but this makes so much more sense (if you know what I mean!! *grin*).

But aren't they hilarious!! And quite a tribute to all involved in making "Sherlock", too in a sort of backhanded way . . .

Thanks again!

6th-Apr-2014 11:48 am (UTC)
Glad you found them helpful. And yes, I think it's a lovely affectionate spoof, from people who are clearly fans of the show.
5th-Apr-2014 09:20 pm (UTC)
Brilliant! Thank you for this. :-) And Happy Birthday. :-D

One small detail, if it's ok to say? I believe the line is "Let's go home and watch Dr Phil."
Dr Phil has been on Norwegian TV a lot so the reference is understandable to us here in Norway.
5th-Apr-2014 10:34 pm (UTC)
I was coming here to say this. But I think Dr. Phil has been in everybody's TV everywhere a lot (I'm neither in Norway, US or UK and we also get our share of Dr. Phil... ugh...). :)

"Or as I like to call him, Dr. Phillip." lol
5th-Apr-2014 10:37 pm (UTC)
I myself cannot seem to decide, but isn't it "jumping kiss" not "jump and kiss"? Phonetically they sound very similar, but I think the first makes more sense.
6th-Apr-2014 11:50 am (UTC)
Both versions make equal sense, in my opinion, and having listened to the lines in both videos again, I am still hearing an 'and'.
6th-Apr-2014 01:17 am (UTC)
Ooh, thanks for putting these together. Those videos are so funny! I love the Autocorrects best. :)
6th-Apr-2014 11:56 am (UTC)
You're welcome! They were fun to do.
6th-Apr-2014 07:56 am (UTC) - happz birthday!
Dammit you do this for me (yes I'm one of those who couldn't watch the videos w/o having the lines in script), you've got your birthday on top of that, and I'm at my in-laws house deprived of proper internet and kezboard - dammit! But I'm happy I found it and I wish you the best birthday no matter how late!

6th-Apr-2014 11:52 am (UTC) - Re: happz birthday!
Well, yeah, when you said you wouldn't watch them because you knew you wouldn't be able to understand them, I realised that there must be other people out there in a similar situation. It was no chore doing the transcripts - the videos are only short and they were fun!

Thanks for the birthday wishes!
6th-Apr-2014 09:46 am (UTC)
Thank you very much!!! I love these parodies but I did miss some of the lines there, so this is very helpful!

Oh and happy birthday!!! Hope you had an excellent day!! *sends bear hugs*
6th-Apr-2014 11:53 am (UTC)
Thank you for the hugs - much appreciated!
6th-Apr-2014 12:04 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday!

I watched the videos and thought they were funny and made no sense. Now I've read the transcripts and I still think they're funny and make no sense. But at least I know what they're saying. :)
6th-Apr-2014 12:16 pm (UTC)
Oh, I agree - they're complete nonsense, but utterly adorable anyway, and clearly made by people who love the show!
7th-Apr-2014 06:36 am (UTC)
I was honestly not aware of the existence of these videos until I saw that you posted this... it's like they were written entirely by Auto-correct. :-) I completely lost it at, "SHERLOCK: I’m looking at the back of your head but I’m speaking to the front of your face. MYCROFT: The front of my face is listening to the back of my head, so your head doesn’t count." X-D My sister actually has an annoying tendency to turn completely 180° away from the person who's talking to her while they're in mid-sentence... the next time she does that to me, I have every intention of quoting Sherlock's line at her. X-)
7th-Apr-2014 09:38 am (UTC)
They are pretty bonkers, aren't they?! And it's always good to have a Sherlockian quote to use in real life! I took great joy recently when someone texted me, apologising for not phoning instead, and so I could reply, "Don't worry about it - I prefer to text"!
7th-Apr-2014 03:00 pm (UTC)
Happy belated birthday and many thanks for the inspiration to make some quote icons for these hilarious parodies. I had watched them before, but seeing the lines in print like this, just tickled my muse.
7th-Apr-2014 03:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the wishes, and yay for these transcripts inspiring you to make icons, which are bloody delightful! In fact, they're so delightful that I'm going to add a link to them above.
20th-Apr-2014 02:47 am (UTC)
Ya know, I actually found opportunities to quote three lines from these IRL, and so now here I am, back to read them again to see if there's anything else quotable. :-) I got to say Sherlock and Mycroft's two "I'm speaking to the back of your head..." lines to my sister who turned away from me while I was talking. She turned around, looked at me like I had three eyes, and said, "WHAT!?" I said, "It got you to look at me when I'm talking to you, so I guess my head does count." :-) Then my mother's computer froze up and she said, "Wait, I have to reboot." I couldn't help it, I said, "Rebooting is for cheesecakes." She responded exactly the same way as my sister. X-) I thought, "That was fun, I should do that more often." :-)
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